Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Bed Dynamic

As anyone who has shared a bed long-term knows, there is a definite dynamic that occurs between the sharing parties.  Whether it's a sibling or a spouse-type,  there's always a period of staking your claim, settling in, and finally coming to terms with the resulting balance of power.  And blanket stealing.  

It's kind of like politics but hopefully with fewer politicians and bi-partisan tendencies.

Big surprise to no one, being a high-anxiety type gal, sleeping for me is a hit-and-miss affair.  I can remember at around age 8 having a discussion with my elementary school counselor about how to curb insomniac tendencies - oddly enough, despite it being in the 70's he did not advocate having a couple of shots before bed.  ;)  Through my parent's divorce and living on my own, I never quite found my sleep groove, but managed well enough.  Plus the fact that I was young and carefree and spending tons of time partying.  After I moved out, my Mom's house was always the place where I could sleep, so when I'd visit I'd get some catch up.  After she passed away, sleep was again at a premium.

Until I got married, where, after a period of adjustment, I now sleep the best I ever have in my life.  At least as far as I can remember, which may not be saying much considering my recent post. Of course, I still have routine early morning wake-ups and the like, but nothing like in years past.  The downside is that now that I operate with sleep, when I do have insomnia it's hard as heck to function while tired.  There's always gotta be a catch, right?

As a result of my years of insomnia, I've developed a few bedtime rituals that are specifically designed to help me not feed the anxiety and to assuage the OCDemon (especially after midnight).   I won't go into all of them because y'all might think I'm crazy(ier than I really am would like you to believe).

Being comfortable during sleep is pretty much the primary way to not only get to sleep, but to stay asleep (which is my personal brand of insomnia).  A big part of this for me means regulating temperature, and keeping the blankets in a relative amount of order to help with that temperature thingy (cuz you know, waking up with no covers affects temperature).  Which becomes more important when sharing, because you not only want to stay asleep, but you want your partner to stay asleep too.  (I'm really just talking to my partner here, and reminding him how bad it is if I don't stay asleep.  Bad for him, that is.)

Let me start this portion of my post by saying that I love Mr. Eggshells very very much.  He does everything he can to make my life easier, often times in spite of himself  - which he will readily admit so I'm not being a cow here.  ;)
Mr. Eggshells is a good sleeper for the most part, and has this really freaking annoying ability to fall asleep moments after his head hits the pillow if that's what he so chooses.  I guess maybe I'm too ornery or stubborn or something, because I never listen to myself when I tell myself to go to sleep.  (Fortunately for him, he also goes to sleep when I tell him to.  Of course, the alternative to doing that is to go outside and sleep under his truck, so really it's a win-win when he just listens.)

The other amazing trait he has, of which I'm completely in awe, is his singular ability to completely demolish neatly arranged bedding in nanoseconds.  

No, that is not an exaggeration either.  NANOSECONDS.  

For those of you who are not geeks (which makes me wonder really how you got to this blog) and who do not know...a nanosecond is one billionth of a second.  Which is really really really small, and in terms of time, well, it would be like if you blinked but really fast.  Like so fast you couldn't even see it.  Not that you can see your own blink but this is the type of blink you wouldn't be able to see on someone else.  It would look like they're just staring at you, but they weren't - they blinked.  Unless they're messing with you, and not blinking but saying they are.  In which case, you should kick them really hard in the shin.

But I digress.  (And if it wasn't obvious, I kind of got lost in my own metaphor there, but I won't tell anyone if you don't!)

At bedtime, we get the bedding straightened out (because, no, I do not make the bed in the morning, since science says that it's healthier to air out the bedding - don't blame me, blame SCIENCE for my messy bed).  I get into bed, cats start looking for treats and/or cuddles (routine-based life forms after my own heart!), and finally Mr. Eggshells gets into bed.  From the nanosecond his hand touches the blankets to draw them back, they are demolished. What were neat layers of covering are now in complete disarray, the bottom sheet is coming out and his pillows are up a tree or something.  (My pillows are safe because I make sure I'm in bed first and my head holds them down...and so far he has not managed to include my head as part of the disarray.)

The first time it happened, I was sure it was contrived.  While he claimed innocence, I have to admit I just couldn't see how he managed it.  And then one night I watched it happen.  One second the bedding was as we'd set it, and the next, KA-POW!!!  Bed 'splodey!

But you know, I can't even be upset - I'm too impressed.  It truly is a thing of beauty - how amazingly awesome Mr. is at this particular art form (because you know it has to be a goddess-given talent).  Me and OCDemon can only laud the power of his creativity in complete destruction and thank our lucky stars he has limited access to gunpowder and TNT.

And I guess, cultivating talents are an important part of life.


  1. Sounds like a personal growth opportunity to me. For MISTER Eggshells. Srsly, at his age, this is not a virtue. Ask him to imagine how genteel he will feel slipping into nice, crisp sheets with lovely heavy covers holding him down.

    Perhaps an anvil holding him down will be the alternative.

    (Our flannel sheets are now trapezoidal. The top is wider than the bottom, its corners having been gripped fiercely and puuuuulllllled to the opposing side. I'm not gonna tell you who started it. :) )

  2. Ahahahaha. Is it bad that I can so totally picture that? LOL

  3. Totally watching this happen tonight!! Just try and stop me!