Half?

Recently, I had an interesting revelation when it came to my husband and I.  (No, not that we're totally adorable, even though that is true.  But I've known that for years so it doesn't quite count as a revelation.)


No, it's that it is overwhelmingly obvious he grew up with two siblings and I was raised with one.  (Although I should probably said he was raised, because we all know he never really grew up.   ;)  )


That's not the revelation.  Of course I knew that long before we were married.  But y'all should know by now that I build up to my huge announcements of life-altering proportions.  I mean, what's the point in cultivating a teensy bit of a flair for the dramatic if I'm never going to use it?  


Mr. Eggshells gave me three cookies in my lunch today.  See?  Proof positive!


No, it doesn't matter what kind of cookies they were (Oatmeal Rocks...and aren't you all jealous - and if you don't know what those are, just suffice it to say you are very very jealous!!!), but that there were three of them.  Not two, not four, but three.


To a person raised with two siblings, three - or multiples thereof - is the number of balance, harmony, and sharing.  To a person raised with one sibling, three is a number of immense confusion, adjustment and, dare I say it, fractional math.  I dared.


I never realized how much that particular concept had attached itself to everything I did until I married the Mister.  I allocate everything into the balance of my own paradigm.  Even numbers are fair, easily arranged, and comfortable to me.   That's why I buy four apples, and why when he buys three oranges I'm unconsciously yet frantically trying to figure out where the extra one goes.  (This week it went into an orange and fennel spinach salad with a raspberry vinaigrette that you're jealous of as well, by the way.)


But I digress.  The point is, that it's a complete revelation to me at age (40+) 29 that my childhood patterned so strongly and so subliminally that it actually causes me to acclimate to the "stressor".  


I have no idea if my purchasing or providing four items jars the Mister as much as three does to me.  I suspect not, because he's more comfortable with math than I am, and the fraction thingy doesn't drive him nuts.  Plus his OCDemon is weirder different than mine.


It does make me ponder, however, what other behaviors of mine are ingrained to this degree that I haven't figured out yet...


In the end however, I guess it doesn't really matter.  I got THREE cookies after all.  Yay!

Things and Stuff

This is a guilt post.  I know, I know, it's my blog and I shouldn't feel guilty but I haven't posted since mid-January.  MID-JANUARY.   You people were just left hanging and I didn't even come back and check on you.  No Kitty, that's a bad Kitty!  (Yes, I've been watching Southpark, damn you Netflix streaming!)


So what's new?  Oh right this is really one-way communication unless y'all comment back.  Hey, there's an idea.  What do YOU all want me to talk about?  Leave me a comment or an email (ceriserose at gmail dot com) and suggest something.  I may not use it, but at least then I'll know who of you have opposable thumbs and who don't.  


Now on to why I'm posting.  I have no topic so today it's going to be all about things random.  


1.  I'm completely addicted to Pandora Radio.  If you haven't tried it, you absolutely should.  You set up a station or two based on artists you like and it gives you other similar artists in the mix and plays you all sorts of songs.  I've rekindled love for some artists I'd forgotten about and found many new ones.  (And in a related rhetorical question, just how many covers of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" are there anyway?!?)


2.  I've been having trouble getting back into the novel, but it's mostly due to storyline threads that I keep either changing or losing.  One of my favorite writers posted a picture of her work space on Facebook and it hit me.  I should be using post-it notes to keep track of the plot.  Only instead of a wall (since my work space is wherever my rear-end lands), I bought some neon-coloured (heh, Canadian) 11x14 poster board and will use those.  Since I'm trying to keep two separate storylines going before they converge, this should help immensely.  Since my head just doesn't manage that kind of convolution.

And aren't I a meaniehead for mentioning the book that I haven't finished writing and continuing to whet your appetites?  Yes, yes I am.  :)


3.  My house makes me crazy.  We've been spending a good deal of time doing renovations for the last several years and "stuff" just keeps getting moved from one pile to another, one room to another.  This Spring I've decided to just sit down and get real with all this stuff, and sort the crap out of it.  (It can't read, so unless one of you tells the stuff what my plans are, it shouldn't be forewarned and hide or multiply or something.  And you won't do that because you so don't want to awaken my ire.  Plus, just by reading my blog you are automatically entered on my side and must work with me not against me.)

Websites keep showing me ads for Professional Organizer Certification.  The Internet is just taunting me now.


4.  I have yet to get out my end-of-year/Christmas/Yule/New Year's letters.  (Actually I have yet to write one, but that's beside the point.)  I have a strong suspicion that those are not going to happen for several months.  I've decided that maybe I'll just do a late Summer one, since I've come to realize over the years, that September is when my mind and body re-set for the year.  Of course, most of you that know me, and know me well, know better than to hold your breath on that score.


5.   Wow, made it to 5.  Um, well this is getting really long, so I think I'll just stop and figure out what to actually write for next time.  :D

2011 Year in Review, Now Enriched with 2012 Goals! Part of a balanced diet!

As I look back on the year almost completely behind us, I can't believe what a change from January.  Diagnosed with health issues, way over-stressed from my job, frustrated because my creative outlets were stymied.  That was a lot of negative to manage through.


But manage I did, and I thought I'd take a few minutes to enumerate the positives from the year just past.   You see, I have a tendency to get so wrapped up in what needs to be done, that I forget to mark the accomplishments of what did get done.


So here we go, the top 10 accomplishments of the year!


10.  Took a few lunch breaks and used my vacation time. 
This would seem like a no-brainer to most people, but I have a long-standing habit of eating my lunch at my desk and working straight through.  With the job switch, I had a little more flexibility to go for walks, and/or take actual breaks.  I had also managed to rack up a goodly amount of banked vacation over the last few years and I took some quality time for me.


9.  Changed to a less-stressful job.
I'm not a person who particularly relishes change, nor do I necessarily manage it well.  However, things came to a head this past year when I absolutely needed to make changes for health reasons.  Specifically, reducing the 140 mile round trip drive I was making daily for work.  I was able to make that happen by May and within days Mr. Eggshells could see and hear a positive difference in me.


8.  Socialized
This likely seems odd to many out there in the interwebs, and it's possible that there are a few out there who think I'm an extrovert.  Fooled ya!  I actually have a social anxiety disorder which means that groups of more than 3 or 4 are too much.  Bracing myself for social activities not only takes a huge amount of my energy (which due to #9 above was often in limited quantity), but it takes me a long time to rejuvenate it afterwards.  So this year Mr. Eggshells (similarly of the cave troll ilk) and I decided that we'd make a concerted effort to socialize on a regular basis.  With people.  Outside of the house.  (We survived it, too, go figure!  :P)


7.  Found the House Rhythm
With schedules resembling chaotic whirlwinds over the last few years, managing house stuff has also been fractious at best.  Add into the fact that we keep doing renovations and reorganizing, keeping everything going has often been a full time job.  That neither Mr. Eggshells or I really had time to do.  No more!  I completely attribute this to excellent thyroid medication and 2 hours less on the road, but we've been able to keep a routine going for the last few months where we can not only finish projects, but also keep the day to day stuff working.  I know, right?!  Crazy.


6.  Fixed Those Pesky Health Issues
Oh, they're not gone completely, but I made great strides in the past year.  Re-balancing my thyroid made a world of difference to my energy level (from non-existent to actually being able to function).  As well I headed off a pre-diabetic condition and made my doctor very happy.  Made me pretty happy too for that matter.


5.  Supported People Around Me
I don't think about this too much, because it's really just who I am as a person.  But I think it's important for me to acknowledge that my connecting with others around me has been an important part of my year.  Some have been long-term friends, others have been far-flung family, and yet others near strangers on the internet.  I tried to make a special effort to 'be present' for people when they had a need - be it a kind word at the right time, a joke to make them smile, or a listening ear when their world was imploding.  I hope that my efforts helped, even just a little bit.


4.  Asked for Help from Others
This isn't an easy thing for me to do, but like #5 above, it's important to acknowledge.  I've tried to reach out whenever I've needed help with something, and to accept what people want to do for me at face value, without trying to pay them back or make it 'even'.  This, whether it's a minor (or major) issue, or just taking me out to get a cup of coffee.  Because I've come to realize that just as it's natural for me to do things for other people without expecting anything in return, other people can and do feel the same way.  And just like I'd want people to let me do that, I should let them.


3.  Writing 
I started writing again!  After many years of creative writing abstinence, the drought has ended.  Obviously, the blog has been a part of it, but I also participated in NaNoWriMo, a month-long writing extravaganza.  Not only did it give me a sense of what I could accomplish, it has also helped me understand how to incorporate writing as part of my regular life.  


2.  Crafts
I've always got projects going but rarely have I had the time or inclination to work on them or finish them.  This year I set small goals and achieved most of them.  In addition to the feeling of accomplishment, having a creative outlet did wonders for my mental health.  


1.  Treated Myself As I Treat Others
Like a lot of people are to themselves, I am my harshest critic.  I'm also a perfectionist, often having unrealistic expectations of myself.  (Mr. Eggshells kindly reminds me that I don't realize I'm overdoing something until I've overdone it.)  That said, this year I tried very hard to be non-judgmental of myself in terms of perceived failures. Instead, I took a step back and asked myself how I would respond to someone else who didn't succeed at "x, y, or z" in the way they wanted.  The result was that instead of wearing myself down with negative self-talk, I took it all as a lesson learned and moved on. 


Now, it's your turn.  Leave a comment and name at least 1 thing that you are proud of doing/achieving this year.  :)


As for 2012, I don't do resolutions because the concept just seems way too formal for the likes of me.  But I do have a couple of goals that I will continue to work on, and they're basically in the same vein as the things I did this year.  


I would like to wish you all out there a Happy New Year and hope that 2012 brings you love, joy, and peace.  I also want to thank you all for your friendship, and for the time you take to drop by and read my little slice of life here.  


All the best for 2012!!!

Wait, what?

A co-worker recently reminded me about a box that I'd received and put in a specific location.  I had no (zero, nil, zip, nada) recollection of any box, or activity around a box.  But my handwriting was on the box, meaning that at some point it was in my possession, or at the very least, in my stream of consciousness.

Disconcerting!


Several years ago, during a heavy cycle of grief, I had almost constant memory lapses.  From what I understand it's pretty common, as one weathers the physical, emotional, and mental shock of loss.  


The thing is, you can't really let it get to you; it's really the brain's way of helping you through the crappy stuff.  Even my tendency to be a perfectionist was waylaid by my utter inability to give a rip about whether or not I did something or forgot to do something.  (And by perfectionist I mean rabid OCD, but that's just between you 'n me.)


I found that the disconnect is typically harmless...my personal go-to behavior was to buy books.  The same books.  Over and over and over again.  I'd find duplicate, triplicate, quadruplicate copies of the same book in my house, often in the same bag from the same store (they made great gifts!).


I've known people with grief brain who put things in the wrong place or forgot to do things they'd been doing daily for dozens of years.  Completely understandable, but also why it's more like a fugue state then simple memory loss.  Your brain isn't even remotely involved in the present here and now; it's like someone else is operating the controls, and you may or may not be watching them while they do it.


Which is why at this point in my life where I'm not grieving - where I'm actually happy and relatively well-adjusted - it's so confusing to me that it seems to be happening to me again.  Oh, there are a variety of minor stressful things I'm working through right now, but in this case, I think it's more a matter of NOT being completely stressed out.  Like the lack of stress *is* the stress.  


Now how messed up is that?


Having changed jobs my overall stress level is so reduced that I'm finding it a little hard to gear down from the years of ramp up.  Which makes sense, since chemically your brain/body doesn't distinguish between distress and eustress.  From this, one could assume that a change in either type of stimulation can have an effect on behavior.  


I know that there's a certain amount of learned behavior when it comes to coping with stress, and if I recall my 20-years-ago Psych class, there are bio-chemical markers that are actually patterned in the brain when those learnings take place.   It would make sense that the process of changing those behaviors or un-learning specific coping mechanisms would also change the bio-chemical markers.  Or at the very least disrupt them.


All this because I keep forgetting stuff.  Is it any wonder, with all that random "stuff" in my head?  


For my next trick, I'm planning on going off caffeine.  I expect my brain will completely melt, while at the same time analyzing it to death.

The Morning Commute

Since my job transfer back to my "old" office, Mr. Eggshells and I have been commuting together.  Better for the environment, and some quality couple time. Although considering that for at least one half of those daily commutes, it's morning, I'm not so positive on my use of the word "quality" up there.


The Mr. and I have a fun dynamic overall...and we're both not morning people.  Below is a conversation we actually had this morning, based on my best pre-coffee recollection.  (Of course, it may also be an amalgam of several of these types of conversations, since they occur with alarming frequency.)


Names have not been changed, as there are really no innocents here to protect.  Well, except me.


**********


*The Mr. stretches a hand over and pretends to cut off my left hand.*


Me:  No, you're not allowed to amputate my hand.


Him:  What?  Since when?


Me:  Since always.  Not allowed.


Him:  But it's a present.  It's better to give than to receive.


Me:  I would prefer candy or flowers over amputation.


Him:  But amputation's on the list?


Me:  Not really, but on that list, it's last.


Him:  But it's in the top 5?


Me:  No, we're not talking about everything, just those three items.  And amputation's last.


Him:  That's not fair.


Me:  It's my list.  It doesn't have to be fair to you.


Him:  Not to me, to amputation.


Me:  *stares mutely at him*


**********


And the people at his work think they have it rough...

Belief

I've been thinking about belief lately, particularly with respect to the definition "a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing."  Other definitions discuss the trust placed after examination of evidence.


While trust relationships could be the subject of several posts, what I'm thinking about more is what happens when we actively show trust in people around us.  Trusting others with our feelings, our possessions, our esteem, even our physical well-being can be a really scary thing...since the very act of trust makes us vulnerable.  Even the word confidence implies a level of intimacy and care that should be implicit.  Which makes sense, when you consider that usually trust grows the longer we know someone.  Even when the trust is shaken or damaged, it's the previous experience that allows for even the possibility of rebuilding.


When I think back on my life experiences and how I got "here" from "there", I'm always amazed.  How much of what I've been able to endure, and how much of what I've been able to accomplish has been because someone believed in me?  From my family, to teachers, to friends, to my romantic relationships, to co-workers...the list goes on and on.  From the simple words casually said "you can do it" - to the unspoken lessons that reinforced to me my value as a person in others' eyes, my core personality has been bolstered, padded and fabric'd with my worth to others'.  (Yes, I'm a sofa!  LOL)


Which is not to say that I haven't had relationships or experiences that weren't devaluating...there were some of those too.  For the most part I've tried to remove those sorts of influences from my life, but that's not necessarily a choice that everyone can facilitate.  And I have to say that the overwhelmingly positive experiences where in the majority when it came to framing my interactions with the world at large.


It's truly heartbreaking when I think of all those people out there who have never been told and never been shown they have value.  How much individual potential is wasted because there is no belief or trust shown?   


Based on recent work experience, it can be a lot.  Obviously details are not appropriate, but as I'm attempting to work within a team where there is little to no trust given or received, it's damaging to the end result and makes the journey to it a whole heck of a lot of not fun.


So maybe it's the hippie in me, or maybe it's just my inclusive nature, but shouldn't we all be cheering each other on? 


By the way, my friends, I believe in all of you, and truly value your presence in my life.  :)

How am I supposed to be Zen when a mysterious poo is sitting in my garden of enlightenment?

I cannot take credit for the subject title, it's a line uttered by Eddie Izzard in his role as a psychology professor on the now-cancelled United States of Tara.  (By the way, good one to catch...only lasted 3 seasons but it was amusing.)

In the show, Eddie the professor has a little zen garden on his desk, similar to the one pictured right.

He's not able to listen to or concentrate on Tara (played by the remarkable Toni Colette, with whom I've been enamored since her Muriel's Wedding days), as she's explaining why she needs an extension on her exam.  All because of a poo nugget that has mysteriously appeared in his zen garden (aka garden of enlightenment).  


So he storms around, trying to figure out how the culprit got away with the heinous crime.  And he belligerently asks "How am I supposed to be Zen when a mysterious poo is sitting in my Garden of Enlightenment?"


Now, the scene is hilarious in and of itself, not the least due in part to the genius of Eddie Izzard and his classic timing.  His natural British accent gives the essence of posh while the subject matter is definitely not.  (Try it yourself...find a Brit or someone who can do the accent and have them say "poo".  I don't usually respond to scat humor but it's pretty dang funny.)


The scene and the comedy aside, however, and the underlying (obvious?) message resonated quite strongly with me.  How many times have I tried to get myself to a certain place mentally or physically and found that something not only stops me, but causes me to focus on that rather than the people and things around me that need attention.  Or in a broader sense, how many times do we as "enlightened" creatures bog ourselves down in trivialities that really don't matter in the big scheme (garden) of things.  And we use so much time and energy either managing around or raging against the object of our hostility that we burn out before we can achieve our goal.  It's a source of constant amazement to me when people around me get so wrapped up in negative behaviours that thwart their own purpose.


But I don't linger too much on them, for the simple reason that I can find many more examples of negative responses in my own patterns that need my attention.   I have many goals that I'd love to reach, tons of projects that I'd like to finish.  And yet I too get overwhelmed by the little things - things that should just be ignored for the most part.  And yet, I don't.  Too much focus on "poo" rather than pouring my resources into my own personal enlightenment.


And that's not really acceptable.  I like to think of myself as a person who is conscious of the potential in myself and not afraid to work through the tough stuff to achieve it.  (Geez, I've dealt with plenty of crap [sic] in my time and I know my own strength.)  So why is it so easy to get distracted from the goal line?  

Old Friendships Are New Again

I've been pondering relationships in general and friendships in particular the last while.

I'm not sure if this is because over the last few months I've been reconnecting with people who were important to me during my wayward (!) youth, or if I'm approaching some sort of mid-life crisis.  However, since I refuse to believe I'm anywhere close to mid-life (denial RULES), I'm going to go with the reconnecting.

Without delving into my history too much, many of the ties I had 20+ years ago have basically been severed.  Parents deceased, sister estranged, other family a distance away after moving, school friends drifted.   I know that's relatively normal (we all know how time flies and other such handy catch-phrases), and the friends I've made over the last few years have been amazing and wonderful (yes, I do mean YOU!).  I've been adopted into my husband's family, and by several other families I've met as well.  Since it boils down to choices I've made that created my current reality, I didn't particularly think I was missing anything...truly, I'm the happiest I've been in memory.  Although to be fair, since I'm over 40, that really isn't saying much...most days memory consists of trying to make sure I'm wearing pants when I leave the house.

Until I reconnected.  I didn't even realize there had been something missing until it was filled.  Bonds that had been created when we were all at very impressionable ages, the ones that help shape how we relate to each other and the world around us.  Those people are cemented with those experiences just as surely as I lived through them.  People I was close to, who know *that* me - the me that is the basis for who I have become.  The me that wasn't touched by the experiences of my 20's or my 30's.    

Okay maybe I'm the only one with a split personality.  ;)

But the point I'm making is that these people come in and out of my life and they bring me myself again.  They remind me of who I started as, and still am really, deep down, when I forget.  They remind me of the dreams, the plans, and the "what-ifs".  They're the "comfortable pair of shoes" (sooo stolen) that slip on and the years melt away as if they were nothing.  (Oh yes, given the chance, I'd so put my feet on you!!!  BWAHAHA!  But you love the Pammie germs, you know you do!)

And I feel the gap disappear.  It's not that I don't like myself now.  It's not that I'm unhappy.  It's just that the small empty part of me gets filled.  I hope that in return I complete some little part of them, or in some way make things a little brighter than they were.  It's the least I can do for the blessing they continually give me.

Because I truly think it's important to know that you have meaning.  That even after so many years, and so much distance, we're all still here.  Ourselves.

Discipline and habits

One of the biggest hindrances to writing for me is making myself sit down and write when I'm feeling uninspired.  It's so much easier to start surfing or facebooking or cleaning (yes, shocking to those of you who have seen my house, I do use cleaning as a diversion too!).  Yet everything I've read from successful authors states that discipline is the key...getting into the habit of writing daily.


The trouble I have with this is that my writing is not particularly a cumulative process.  Most of my writing is churned (like butter!) in my head and doesn't make it to paper/computer until it's basically complete.  Imagine Aphrodite springing fully formed from the ocean in a beautiful Hellenic vista and you'll get my drift...or distracted by the nudity.  


It becomes a case of discipline.  Whether I decide to focus on getting some writing in every day or to allocate specific time out of my day for the mental processing, what's needed is the habit to be formed.  "They" say it takes 3 weeks for a practice to become habit - and extrapolating that, presumably the same amount of time for negative behaviour to be changed and/or modified.


Now it comes to my attention (with a big whap upside the head) that this is the key to several other goals I'm trying to achieve.  Whether they be house projects, craft projects, schoolwork, or health results.  


And now that I've come to this epiphany, I just have to figure out how to implement it...